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76. KRULIK, GERALD,  Ask Jerry: Conundrums Clarified for the Courteous Chlorophyllophile (Gardener) {reprint of
NUMBER 62, June 2009
}, PLANT SHOWS, PUP TALK (Saddleback Valley Bromeliad Society), 18(10), p. 7, October, 2011.

Dear Jerry

I have a question about conventions. I love to attend them, but my wife doesn’t. My wife is beginning to get
suspicious, since almost every weekend I run off somewhere by myself. Unfortunately, I am very weak at resisting
temptations when my wife is not there to glare at me. She is starting to question why our savings aren’t growing.
And she doesn’t seem to really believe me, when every month I tell her that I have to expand my plant space,
because everything is growing so well. Actually, I am sneaking in all my new plants. Do you have any advice?

(signed) Convention junkie

Dear Junkie,

This is like asking a bar owner, how to stop drinking! You are actually doing a public service. The more plants you
buy, the bigger the market for legally propagated, rare plants. There are more nurseries, more growers, more jobs,
a greener planet! This promotes more interest in ecology, conservation, non-polluting industries, apple pie and
motherhood.

See if your wife buys this story, and please let me know if she does.

Needing a new excuse too
Jerry


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77. KRULIK, GERALD, Ask Jerry: Conundrums Clarified for the Courteous Chlorophyllophile (Gardener) {reprint of
NUMBER 58, January 2009},
FLUMMOXED IN FALLBROOK,  PUP TALK (Saddleback Valley Bromeliad Society), 18(12), p.
4, December, 2011.
HAS 3 NEW PHOTOS NOT IN THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE: MYSELF, GRANDDAUGHTERS SAMANTHA, LEFT, LAUREN, RIGHT.

Dear Jerry,

I noted that our clumps of Spanish Moss were really messed up by the recent rains and wind -- lots of self pruning.  What is the best way to
handle the new clumps:
1.  Add them to the existing clump, or
2.  Let the existing clumps refill in and use the new clumps to start new ones?

Flummoxed in Fallbrook
Dear Flummoxed

I believe in spreading the cheer around. If pieces fell off, the clumps needed
thinning anyway.

I have been experimenting with the growth of T. usneoides on portable growing platforms, ie, on my chin and my increasingly large forehead. The
top growth benefits from exposure to rain, wind, and the reflected light from underneath. The chin growth is much faster, as it absorbs water
from the soup and miscellaneous nutrients from the dinner crumbs, though sometimes the ants remove them if I fall asleep on the couch.

But I have not mentioned the best benefit. As you may have noticed, my wife is somewhat of a fashion designer while I am more of a Spanish
Moss covered couch potato. She has seized on the opportunity presented by these random clumps of Spanish Moss, to dress me to fit her
styles. Not only does she dye living clumps of T. usneoides with attractive colors, she uses these to mix and match with her clothing. So, I may
look like Santa Claus when she dresses in white, and Lucifer when she is in red. (I have not asked her if she is just matching my mood) Plus,
some days I have a neat goatee and / or mustache, while other times if my shirt is bulging, she fits me with a long wide beard (Beardeliad?
Beardandsia?). Double sticky tape holds it fast, and then I freshen my wardrobe by sticking the taped pieces up on our porch.

She is continually refining her techniques. Recently I found that she was dying the finest, thinnest form of T.usneoides for my hair and the
coarsest, thickest form for my face. Then I happened to notice that she began using the curly form of Spanish Moss, which I think blends in
better with the remnants of my original hair.

Bet you thought I couldn't find any more growing space at my house!
Jerry
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