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78. KRULIK, GERALD, Ask Jerry: Conundrums Clarified for the Courteous Chlorophyllophile (Gardener) Part 15,
CURSED BROMELIADS,  PUP TALK (Saddleback Valley Bromeliad Society), 19(3), p. 9, March, 2012.

Dear Jerry

I am not happy with my bromeliad flowers. I just don’t seem to get as many blooms as other club members. The
colors don’t seem as good or as big. Many broms just don’t seem to want to flower at all. I have tried all kinds of
things, without success.

Maybe my plants are cursed. Do you think that an exorcism would help?

(signed) Seeking spiritual help


Dear Cursed

Perception is everything. Though I don’t think that bromeliads have a sufficient level of cognition to understand if
they are cursed. You say that you have tried proper watering, fertilizer, lighting, and potting mix without the
expected success. Remember that some broms have to be fairly old to flower, and some only flower once. Maybe
you are only seeing the very best plants at brom meetings, and confuse them with the average plant.
Having mentioned these topics, why not have an exorcism! The ancient druids worshipped oak trees, and regarded
the parasitic mistletoe in its branches as a sacred plant. Perhaps brom lovers are remote spiritual descendants of
the Druids? An exorcism would certainly be more fun than traditional gardening. Have an exorcism party with your
friends, invite an agreeable minister or psychic, and go to it. I love the smell of incense, eerie music, and the sound
of unfamiliar tongues. I would suggest though, to forego the traditional slaughter of the goat or other animal.
Consider substituting a good high phosphorus liquid fertilizer, liberally tinted with food coloring. Sprinkle your
plants with this while chanting the appropriate mantras.

Know any Druidic chants?
Jerry
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